January 17

When a hard time lies behind you, someone may tell you that you were strong. The word sits poorly with what you remember. You filled in forms, slept badly, put off phone calls, and on some evenings managed only the bare minimum. You had pictured strength differently.

From the inside, proving yourself rarely looks like proving yourself. There is no moment when you decide to do it. What you did mostly seemed to leave you no choice. Only afterwards does it become clear that there were choices: you could have turned bitter, or made the people around you pay for your situation.

That doesn't make it any more pleasant. You would never have chosen such a time just to find out what you are capable of. Nor is what you learned about yourself only flattering. You now also know the tone in which, one particular evening, you spoke to someone who only wanted to help.

When someone calls you strong, it is that evening that comes to mind. You don't contradict them, but you can't quite agree either.